That Night
I look in the mirror and I see a monster.
Filthy.
Disgusting.
Virile.
But Amma says I am innocent and pure. I will grow up to be a gentleman who’d bring happiness and peace into the lives of people around me.
I want to believe her. I really really do. Sometimes I pinch my eyes really tight and try to see that person. A gentleman and happiness and peace. Want to know what I see?
I see myself standing in front of a mirror. There is darkness all around and only a little light from the moon far away in the sky. I try to look into the mirror, but it is too dark. So I move towards it, hoping to take a closer look. I stretch my arm out and my fingers meet the darkness over the cool surface. I slowly edge forward. Now my hand is plastered against the mirror and the darkness. It looks like that darkness is surrounding my hand.
Every time I pinch my eyes, I get stuck in this dark and cold mirror.
I want to move away now, but I am stuck. I try to pull my hand away. I try with all my might. It is not coming away. It is turning dark. I can see the darkness spreading through the mirror. I am scared and desperate. I look around, it is dark all around me. I can see nothing. So I turn to look at the fading moon, the only thing visible, and it is still not okay. I can feel the tears on my cheeks. I am scared and I am stuck.
Every time I pinch my eyes, I get stuck in this dark and cold mirror.
Every time I cry out of helplessness.
Every time my Amma’s hand pulls me out.
Every time I hold on to her real tight as she calms me down.
Every time I tell her, I am not the gentleman she thinks.
Every time I look in the mirror, I see a monster.
Dark.
Cold.
Baneful.
But there is something more and I can’t tell her that. There is a face on that mirror that I can see even in the darkness. It is the face of that man who hurt her in the night.
That night when we were on the road.
That night when I was scared and stuck and helpless.
That night when Amma had cried.